How to talk to a man who is struggling: what to say, how to listen

If you are worried about a man in your life, you do not need to be an expert. You need to notice, ask, and be willing to listen. This guide walks through how, step by step, and what to do if the conversation turns to suicide.

Why it can be so hard for men to open up

If it feels awkward to start this kind of conversation, that is normal, and it is often just as awkward for him. Several things get in the way:

• Stigma. The World Health Organization (WHO) says stigma, especially around mental health and suicide, stops many people from seeking the help they need, and that breaking down the taboo is an important part of prevention.
• Men often seek care later. The WHO reports that where men and women face the same disease, men often seek health care less than women.
• Few men talk regularly. In a 2025 survey in the UK by Greene King and Macmillan Cancer Support, only 34% of men said they regularly talk to family or friends about personal issues, and 11% did not feel comfortable seeking support at all. That survey was in another country, so treat it as an indication rather than a Sri Lankan figure, but it matches what many of us see.

None of this means he does not want to talk. It often means he has not found the right moment, the right person, or the right way in.

Step 1: Check your own headspace first

R U OK?, an Australian suicide-prevention charity, suggests asking yourself two questions before you start: are you in a good headspace, and are you willing to genuinely listen? If you are exhausted, angry with him, or in a hurry, it is fine to wait a day. It is better to have the conversation properly a little later than badly now.

Step 2: Pick the right moment, and sit or walk side by side

Choose somewhere private, at a time that suits him, with enough time that neither of you is watching the clock. Put your phone away.

It also helps to think about how you are positioned. In the 2025 Greene King and Macmillan survey, 52% of men said they feel more comfortable discussing personal concerns side by side than face to face. In practice that can mean talking while you:

• Walk together, along the beach, round the neighbourhood or in a park.
• Drive somewhere, with the road ahead giving you both something to look at.
• Fix something, cook, or work on a project together.
• Sit together watching the cricket or a match, then let a quiet moment open up.

The shared activity takes the pressure off. He does not have to hold eye contact, and the conversation can start and stop naturally.

Step 3: Start simply, and say what you have noticed

You do not need a speech. R U OK? suggests approaching with genuine concern and mentioning a specific change you have seen, such as “You seem less chatty than usual.” Try:

• “I’ve noticed you seem quieter lately. How are you really doing?”
• “You don’t have to talk, but I’m here if you want to.”
• “I’m worried about you, and I’d rather ask and get it wrong than say nothing.”

Be specific and kind, and avoid sounding like you are accusing him of anything. Changes worth noticing are changes from his normal self: pulling away from friends and family, a short temper that is out of character, drinking more, sleeping badly, losing interest in things he usually enjoys, or seeming flat or hopeless. One or two of these on their own may mean little. A pattern that lasts is worth a conversation.

Step 4: Listen, and resist the urge to fix

This is the hardest step and the most important. Samaritans describe a simple method for active listening, which they call SHUSH:

1. Show you care. Focus on him, make eye contact if it feels natural, and put your phone away.
2. Have patience. It may take time, and a few attempts, before a person is ready to open up.
3. Use open questions. Ask things like “What’s been going on for you this week?” instead of questions that can be answered with a yes or no.
4. Say it back. Repeat in your own words what you have heard, to check you understood and to show you are listening, without interrupting.
5. Have courage. Try not to be put off by a negative response or an awkward silence.

Both Samaritans and R U OK? make the same point about advice. Listen without trying to solve the problem, without comparing it to your own story, and without judging. R U OK? puts it plainly: you cannot “fix” someone’s problems. What you can do is make it safe for him to say them out loud.

Step 5: Ask directly about suicide if you are worried

Many people are afraid that asking about suicide will put the idea in someone’s head. The evidence says it does not. A 2014 review in Psychological Medicine by Dazzi, Gribble, Wessely and Fear examined 13 published studies, covering adults and adolescents in general and at-risk groups. None found a statistically significant increase in suicidal thoughts among people who were asked. The authors concluded that acknowledging and talking about suicide may in fact reduce, rather than increase, suicidal thoughts. Samaritans give the same advice: if you are worried someone is suicidal, it is okay to ask them directly.

You might say, calmly and without drama: “Are you having thoughts of ending your life?” Then listen to the answer.

If he says yes, or you think he may be in immediate danger:

• Stay with him, stay calm, and take what he says seriously.
• Do not leave him alone if you believe he is about to act. Call 119 (police) or 1990 (ambulance) straight away.
• Help him reach support now. 1926 and 1333 are free and open 24 hours a day, and you can make the call together.
• Avoid promising to keep a risk to his life secret. You can say, “I care about you too much to keep this to myself.”

Step 6: Encourage a next step, then check in

When he has said some of what is on his mind, help him think about one small next step. R U OK? suggests exploring what has helped him cope in the past, and professional support if it is needed. That could be:

• Seeing a doctor, and offering to help him book it or go with him.
• Calling a helpline, with you beside him if that makes it easier.
• Talking to one other person he trusts.
• Small practical steps such as sleep, regular meals, a walk, or cutting back on alcohol.

Then check in. R U OK? suggests following up within a couple of weeks. It is the follow-up that shows him you meant it. A message, a call or a walk is enough.

What not to say

Most of these come from good intentions. They tend to close the conversation down:

• “Man up” or “be strong”. This repeats the stigma that keeps men quiet.
• “It could be worse.” It may be true, but it tells him his pain does not count.
• “I know exactly how you feel.” Even when you have been through something similar, turning the conversation to your own story takes attention away from him.
• “Just think positive.” It treats a real difficulty as a choice of attitude.
• A rush of advice. Listen first. Offer ideas only when he asks for them or after he has been heard.

Looking after yourself

Supporting someone is hard, and you do not have to do it alone. You are not responsible for fixing everything. Share the load with someone you trust, and use the same helplines yourself if you need to talk. If you are the only person he has told, that can feel heavy. It is still better than nobody knowing.

Supporting a man in Sri Lanka: a few practical thoughts

• Language. The CCCline 1333 supports callers in Sinhala, Tamil and English, so he can talk in the language he is most comfortable in.
• Who he trusts. It may be a brother, a friend, a colleague, a teacher or a faith or community leader, and not always a family member. The best person to ask is often not the one you expect.
• Privacy. Many men worry about what others will think. Choose a private place and reassure him that you will not discuss it casually.
• Practical help. Offering to book an appointment, come along, or make a call removes a barrier that many men struggle to overcome alone.

This article is general information and not a substitute for professional help. It does not replace the advice of a doctor, psychologist or trained crisis counsellor.